Oxymoron

I often find it difficult to see where I fit in.

I call myself a prudish freak because I am a contradiction: I’m a bisexual woman, who has at times wished I was straight (and as a teenager, wished I was asexual). Watching porn makes me feel embarrassed and uncomfortable, yet I go to sex parties and participate in group sex. I’ve previously felt that BDSM was mostly sexist and depraved, now I’m a Domme and only have an interest in dominating women. I always believed in monogamy and couldn’t conceptualise anything else,  I’m now married and I find that I actually enjoy seeing my husband have fun with someone other women. I’ve suffered from vulvodynia and I’m currently going through psycho sexual counselling to deal with the residual feelings of shame and detachment I sometimes feel when it comes to sex. As you can see, I’m still trying to reconcile all the parts of me and make them into a whole I can accept and be unapologetic about.

My sex life is somewhat a bit of a cat and mouse game. I have the tendency to see my sexuality as something separate from me. Something that comes over and possesses me or something I conjure up when its appropriate. When I’m done with it, it goes back in its little box. But it is something that is always there and it doesn’t need to be hidden and it doesn’t need the excessive moralising that I subject it to. I’m trying to unlearn the negative messages I’ve absorbed and be my true self at all times without apologies.

I’m a grown woman and all that matters with whatever I choose to do with my sexuality, is that I’m safe, I am my authentic self and that my husband is cool with what we do. I to often forget that I’m an adult and i can decide what is and isn’t right for me.

It’s a hard job trying to drown out the voices of doubt and judgement in my head, but I feel much more equipped to make a good go of it now.

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