Figuring it Out

More of my prudish side has become apparent as I’ve become a bit disillusioned with the idea of exploring my sexuality. Specifically bisexuality.

I’m trying hard to work on accepting this side of myself, but in the midst of all my miseducation and past hurt it’s exceedingly difficult to do this.

The idea of meeting more girls is all a bit ‘meh’ for me right now. It’s not that I don’t want to hook up with someone, it’s just that it seems more trouble than its worth. In my fragile state, I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment or to end up feeling detached from anything that does happen.

Hopefully I can work on getting some better insight.

Sex Drive

People speak about having high or low sex drives, but I freely admit that I’m not sure what defines either of those terms.

Right now the amount of times I have sex is probably an average of 2-3 times a week. I have had problems with intimacy in the past and a number of things in my life have caused me to shy away from sex. My sex drive is affected by factors such as tiredness, depression and stress. When a lot is going on in my life, it can be the first thing that gets pushed to the back.

I also notice that sometimes I do things to sabotage my desires. For example if I’m at work I try to chase away thoughts of sex feeling awkward about having sexual ideas in a professional setting. Maybe it’s a bit of paranoia that people can somehow know what I’m thinking.

I think I’ve been brought up to see sexual desire as a form of weakness and although some of my sexual interests are on the ‘alternative’ side of things, these thoughts are buried deep and not so simple to get rid of. Sex itself is great, it’s just that sometimes the thought process in the interim can be a hindrance.

Thankfully I have been experiencing more and more freeing times that I hope will long continue, and it is in these moments that I see I’ve come a long way.

Deep Throat…

So I finally did it! Gag reflex farewell! It took some time but I eventually figured it out.

I hear some people boast that they were ‘just born without a gag reflex’. Well I’m not one of those people. Putting anything, much less a dick to the back of my throat to the point that I could throw up, sounded like a nightmare. I’m really not big on vomit and hate throwing up. Nevertheless, I was intrigued by being able to feel my husband’s member in my throat and set about finding out how. I couldn’t bear asking anyone and I didn’t find a lot of the online information to be all that helpful. Porn wasn’t great at giving instruction either. It’s almost like the people who are able to do it want to keep it a secret to ensure that deepthroaters remain a rare anomaly.

So here I am giving the run down of how I manage it. I can’t believe I am writing this but am glad all the same.

I would just like to say that this isn’t for everyone. I don’t believe that every woman needs to have an arsenal of particular sex tricks in her bag. Nothing is wrong if something (even if it seems ubiquitous) is just not your cup of tea. Also if the idea is traumatising or triggering to you, for example if you’ve suffered from bulimia, there’s no shame in giving it a miss.

So here goes:

1) A number of sites/people recommend using a banana to practice on. I do not think this is a good idea. This is because a unpeelled banana can have scratchy bits at the ends that can irritate your throat. Also if you use a peeled banana, you run the risk of bits breaking off and blocking your airway.

2) Don’t expect this to happen over night. For me it took a few months, but everyone is different. It will take a while for your reflex to recede and to get use to the feeling.

3) I started off with a toothbrush. When I brushed my teeth, I would gently brush my tongue and go progressively further to the back. You may gag initially, but it won’t be enough to bring anything up. Just breathe and try again. I found that the reflex doesn’t just go away, but seems to move further and further down your mouth. Eventually you will be able to brush further than before but this has to be done consistently as any progress you make can be undone if you don’t practice for a while.

4) You should practice on your partner/a sex toy while you are already doing the toothbrush thing. If you practice with a partner, I wouldn’t advise getting them to push your head further on to them. It might be too sudden and make you throw up for real. It’s best to be in the driving seat when it comes to how much you put in your mouth. I find that its easier with your partner lying on his back, with your head on his thigh, or lying on your back while he kneels over your face. Alternatively you can try with him lying on his back with your head on his stomach so that you are making a downward motion towards his legs (if this isn’t clear I can elaborate). I haven’t tried with a sex toy, but I have read that some of the chemicals in some brands can irritate your throat so you may need to check this.

5) You can give yourself measurable goals so you can see your progress. You can do this by holding the sex toy/dick in your hand and keeping an account of how many fingers you are using to hold it. When your lips are able to meet the top of the finger you are using to hold the penis/sex toy, remove it and aim for the next until your lips are able to reach his abdomen/you reach the base of the toy. So go from four fingers, to three and so on. This will take more than one session.

6) Don’t be embarrassed about gagging. Just take it out, breathe and try again. Breathing is key, you will have to pace yourself to make sure you are getting enough breaths in. It is often difficult to inhale when it’s down your throat so aim to take deep enough breaths when you come up. It is important to be relaxed as this will stop you from throwing up/ or gagging uncomfortably.

7) It helps to open your mouth really wide as if you were yawning to get it further as this opens up your throat. Once it gets to the back of your throat you may feel the space getting tight. Try to relax and open wider while gently pushing it further down. For me, this initially felt uncomfortable like a I was developing a sore throat. This can be alleviated as follows;

8) Use lots of lubrication preferably your own saliva. I haven’t used any artificial lubricants to do this so cannot recommend any. You’re putting something large into a small space so it needs to be able to glide easily.

9) I was a bit worried that I would have destroyed my gag reflex rendering it useless if it was needed. I found that your gag reflex will still work as designed, it’s just that you have now trained it not to react in a certain situation.

So there you have it. I hope this is helpful to someone out there who was as bemused as I was by some of the tips available.

New Frontiers

So tonight I’m going to a fetish/BDSM club party with my husband. There’s a possibility that the third will come with us and I am a bit nervous at the prospect. 

The club will be attended by people much more experienced than I, so it’s a chance to see how it’s done in a safe environment. In addition there’s all sorts of contraptions and tools provided in their ‘dungeon’. 

In the event that she does come along, I need to be able to push my anxieties to the side and go all in. It’s scary to think about but I’ve been wanting to do this a long time.

If she’s not able to attend then it’s a chance to further prepare and educate myself before our next encounter.

Wish me luck! 

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Sexual Expectations

I heard someone say that nowadays, women are expected to do a lot more things in the bedroom; things like oral sex were considered taboo before and now men will walk away from you if they don’t get these things.

I think there is some truth to that. Culture pertaining to sex is ever-changing. The benchmark for considering a woman ‘frigid’ or ‘adventurous’  is highly subjective depending on how you were brought up and what you’ve been exposed to in relationships. Some of our grandparents/great grandparents would have been happy with standard penetrative sex in a limited amount of positions (nothing is wrong with this at all). Now…not so much.

I’ve heard men say they will not be happy if a woman doesn’t give head, won’t have sex outside the bedroom, doesn’t do anal or is otherwise ‘boring’ in bed. We women sometimes have our particular requirements too and again there is nothing wrong with that. However I can see that there’s more pressure on women to be whatever men want them to be and people with more reserved tastes are ridiculed.

I don’t think you should do anything because ‘if you don’t do it, the next woman will’. I don’t think anyone should be made to do something they don’t actually want to do. At the same time I don’t believe people should just accept it when they are not getting what they want out of their sex life.

In a relationship this can be worked out through mutual respect, communication and sometimes compromise on both sides. This can be difficult but can ultimately be rewarding.

I didn’t know much about what I wanted sexually, I’m still finding out as I go along. This is partly because I’ve been too ashamed and cowed to find out properly beforehand. Because of this think that some of the people who declare they don’t do this and they don’t do that, are being closed-minded. I understand where they are coming from. If shame or embarrassment is holding you back, you might want to look into that. If the thought of doing a particular sex act just doesn;t interest you, or worse upsets your stomach, don’t let anyone pressure you into it.

Giving Head to Get Ahead

Black Love by Nigerian photographer Lakin Ogunbanwo

Black Love by Nigerian photographer Lakin Ogunbanwo

It took me longer than it probably should have to get around to the idea of giving a blow job. As a teenager from an English-speaking Caribbean background, this sort of thing was considered taboo. When it was given it was typically seen as some sort of exchange. Something you gave to get some sort of concession, not something you did for your own enjoyment. It was almost framed as some sort of sacrifice, that you debased yourself (the visual of getting on your knees) in order to give your partner pleasure.

Part of it is also the idea that are genitals are dirty, impure, unholy and therefore to put a mans member in your mouth was logically disgusting. A man triumphed in getting you to do it and the woman would be considered a whore, a deviant for daring to do such a thing.

Conversely there was pressure to do it too. You were told that a man could never be happy if you didn’t do it (though you’d be unfair to expect him to reciprocate) and that it was to method to keep your man from cheating on you (lol cheaters ‘gonna cheat regardless).

Me and my husband were talking about oral sex recently and he revealed to me something that I had not before considered. He said growing up boys he knew were reluctant or opposed to receiving head from girls. This baffled me but he explained that it was out of fear that the balance of power was being tipped against them. A blow job did not require a girl to take her clothes off or allow the boy to feel any other part of her body. Only he would be exposed to her and he would be at the mercy of her temperament. She could clearly witness his face contorted in ecstasy as he climaxed while she could remain unaffected and indifferent. It’s clear then that the power dynamics pushed onto to sexuality prevent everyone from having a good time.

In my case, my decision to do it came without prompting. I had heard of all the downsides but I did it anyway. My boyfriend at the time, now my husband, was surprised to feel my mouth around him for the first time. He never pressured me or made me feel bad that I wasn’t open to doing it before. I had instructed him to close his eyes while I did something I never thought I would do. Back then I didn’t allow the negative messages to sway me any longer because I was in love and I was with someone I trusted with my life.

Getting used to it from then on proved a challenge. Sometimes it frustrated me how much work it took. Sometimes I stayed convinced I wasn’t doing something right. My hands would get tired, my neck and jaw would get sore and I treated it like an addition to foreplay rather than a main event in and of itself. The tips I read up on often seemed asinine and I was opposed to watching porn. With time I got better at it and through looking at things objectively I got to learn that I got a lot of things right in the first place (I guess I thought my husband was trying to be nice when he said he enjoyed what I was doing).  I got over my aversion to excessive saliva and looking him in the eye when doing it.

For years now it’s something that I enjoy, not just because I’m making my husband happy, or because I’ve excelled in something, but because it’s a huge turn on. At the moment I’m working on further reducing my gag reflex (which has proved quite the challenge) and I’m looking forward to married life without it.

A big part of learning to enjoy it for what it was, was allowing myself the space and freedom to do so and not think of things solely as what I ‘should’ be doing. But I guess learning is a life long journey.

 

Talking with Friends about Sex

I have a difficult time talking about sex with friends. Amongst my group of friends I am considered a good listener, but I suspect that this is partly due to the fact that I shy away from volunteering information about myself. I typically assume that I will end up talking too much, talk about myself too much or embarrass myself. I’m realising now that I need to be much more open if I want to have truly mutually beneficial friendships.

If talking about myself is hard, talking about sex is a minefield. I avoid the subject because it makes me uncomfortable, and when it does some up, I listen and offer encouragement. I do find myself wanting to share more, particularly when someone says something particularly close minded, but when that feeling passes over me and I’m about to say ‘well actually…’ a little voice pops up saying, ‘shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!” and I obey.

It’s inconceivable for me to announce to any of my friends that I’m bi or that I’m into BDSM, but apart from that I feel uncomfortable with them being aware of what I get up to in the bedroom (or elsewhere). I know a lot of this is based on paranoia. What if I’m looked at as a freak? a deviant? What if i sound like I’m exaggerating or boasting? What if I come across as a prude? I’m afraid I’ll reveal some weakness, some flaw that will make people look at me differently or that I’ll let them down.

The circumstance of the friendship is also a factor. I made a new friend at work and over the months we’ve grown closer. She has told me her relationship issues and she recently started seeing someone new. It was clear to me that on some level, her religious ideals made her feel a bit guilty about having sex or wanting to have sex with someone she isn’t married to. She and the new guy ended up sleeping together and she gave me all the details. I pointed out to her that it seemed to me that she wasn’t actually interested in a relationship with this guy, but just wanted him physically. I couldn’t bring myself to recount any of my experiences to back up my point to her. My mind frequently reminds me that I know her through work and I’m not about to run the risk of someone carrying my business around in a professional setting. On some basic level I even think we should not even be having these kinds of conversations. Even when the risks are low, I clam up.

I’m trying to be more open in general so people can see me as a full person, not just the polished and approved parts of me. I’m not sure how far that extends to sex talk at the moment. My default setting is distrust and i accept I’ve got a lot of work to do to change that.

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Thoughts of BDSM

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BDSM is something that I have not previously considered seriously. In the past I thought of it as deviant behaviour, I then progressed to thinking it to be problematic and now…now I am exploring being a Domme.

I’ve read different articles on women talking about being submissives. That sort of thing didn’t really appeal to me. I didn’t understand how someone who considered themselves to be womanist/feminist would find it appealing to be called names, humiliated and choked by a someone they desired sexually. I didn’t really find rape play, age play or race play to be acceptable.

I do think that sex is a political subject, however I now feel that issues around sex and sexuality are much more nuanced than I previously thought. Especially now that I am trying to examine who I am as a person.

After coming across a few things and experiences, I expressed to my husband that I felt a desire to dominate someone. Specifically a woman. It alarmed me that I actually wanted to choke a woman and I worked my brain trying to figure out what that meant and what that said about me. My husband told me I had nothing to be ashamed of and I should just accept what I felt.

There was no real opportunity to test this out until our Third (I’ll explain later) came along. Before we met we had chatted a lot on whatsapp about what we were all into. My husband mentioned that I wanted to choke someone and she got really excited about it. I admit I was floored by this, it was all so crazy! When we met she brought it up again and in the middle of the restaurant she asked me to put my hands around her throat to see what my grip would feel like. She wasn’t disappointed. I was pretty straightforward in saying that when it comes down to it, she needed to tell me if I was squeezing too hard.

This is another thing that scares me about BDSM – hurting someone past the point they are comfortable with, mentally or physically.

I have done breath play (choking) twice with her since then. We have discussed going fully into it and she has stated that she wants to be my sub, but it is yet to happen. Partly because of conflicting schedules, partly because I need to be absolutely committed to this to handle this properly.

I admit I’ve been afraid to take the plunge and have wondered whether wanting to do this makes me a bad person or not.

I’ve come to weigh things up objectively. The way I’ve gone about things does not suggest that I’m reckless or irresponsible or have no regard for the person’s well being. I’ve researched and done my homework. This may sound contradictory, but I am very cautious about watching BDSM porn in case I witness something that I can’t unsee or find triggering.

On top of that I’ve done some self reflection. I accept that maybe something in my history and personality have opened up this desire. I notice that I try to control a lot of things because I’ve felt a lack of control growing up. However whether or not these things have an effect, the most important thing is that there is consent and information for everyone involved.

Why I don’t like saying ‘virginity’

I started having sex when I was eighteen. Looking back, I sometimes think it would be better if I did it a year earlier and with someone else. I’ve worded it this way because I try my best to not use words like ‘virginity’ and phrases like ‘lost virginity’. Especially when I talk to my younger cousin about sex.

My cousin has been going through a difficult times as a teenager dealing with depression. I try to help her the best I can and part of that involves being honest and frank with her about sex. I know that’s what I needed when I was growing up, but I failed to get it.

I don’t like the word virginity and the references to it as something that you lose, particularly for women and girls. It suggests that you lose something of yourself when you have sex, that you will be changed forever or that you are now a lesser person for it.

The word virginity and the cultural aspects around it are problematic to me. It creates shame for people who have had sex and pressure/expectation on those who haven’t.

There is nothing wrong with someone waiting to have sex for the first time. What matters is that the person has a choice to do so that is not put upon them by shame and fear.

We not to stop encouraging the idea that sex is inherently dirty and wrong. We should give it the seriousness it deserves, but we should stop attaching that to shame and dishonour.

Disowned Sexuality

I started blogging to be completely honest about myself and accept myself so here goes:

Sexual hang ups are not new issues for me. There are a number of events and occurrences I can point to illustrate why.

Deep down, the ideal for me growing up was to be completely disinterested in and unaffected by sex. I had internalised the idea that sex was something for deviants, the unholy, the wayward. I felt it was something for me to rise above and something I always failed at.

I was raised to be Christian and when I lived with my grand mother in the Caribbean, the influence of religion (Seventh Day Adventist) was much greater. I was taught that sex involved an exchange of power that would leave me a lesser person. I was taught that virginity was sacred and that thinking about sex was a sin. I saw that girls only had to be perceived as easy (usually through arbitrary things such as the circumstance of their hips or their cup size) to be derided as whores or ‘force-ripe’. I saw this and I covered up my body in baggy clothes, hating it for having the temerity to accept the changes of puberty. When I had my period, something my mother had made seem was a thing to be celebrated before she died, my dad firmly told me that this now meant I could get pregnant and I would need to be wary of boys.

Pregnancy hovered over my head like a curse. I was more afraid of that than any STD. Surely my parents would kick me out of the house if I became pregnant. I witnessed girls in my school being denied the opportunity to graduate because they had become pregnant, I saw how my father pointed out the ‘loose’ girls who had become pregnant (typically by men much older than them).

To withhold sex was to resist a siege upon my body. Former primary school teachers came on to me, bus conductors, married men , boys my own age tried it to. I thought the problem was my body and I started to see men as potential ruiner of my life. You see I never accepted myself as one of those classical beauties that are courted and showered with romance. With my dark skin and awkward demeanor I knew the men looking at me were only looking for a vessel for their desires and I would be discarded post-haste.

I was told to wait until marriage to have sex. When the urges started and that idea proved unrealistic, I moved the goal post to waiting until I fell in love. I didn’t have sex until I was 18 and I convinced myself I was in love when I most definitely wasn’t. I don’t use the expression ‘lose virginity’ because it implies that women/girls lose a part of themselves when they have sex, that you will be irrevocably changed by the act and that you are somehow lesser than. The truth of the matter is that when I did start to have sex it was a huge let down. I felt taken advantage of just as I had always feared, and it was something that stayed with me throughout the years. I had become what I had hated: uncontrollable, naive, stupid and soiled. I hated myself so much for that choice.

The realisation that I was actually attracted to boys back in high school was devastating. Even more devastating was the realisation later in life that I also liked girls. Sexuality has been something I have always wanted to cut away from myself, to deny, to hide away so people could not see the cracks in me.

The truth is, I am very interested in sex. I am often fascinated and simultaneously repulsed by it. Separating the shame from the pleasure is something I’ve been trying very hard to do. I enjoy sex with men and women and I’ve realised my sexual tastes can fall outside of what some may term as ‘vanilla’. Sometimes its hard to tell whether a genuinely dislike something or if I am again trying to cover up some shamed part of myself. Accepting my sexual orientation is also something I am having to work on as every now and again I still work under the illusion of being straight. Coming ‘out’ is inconceivable to me right now, but I feel some sort of responsibility to others who are like me and feel unable to be themselves.

I’ve often felt jealous of those who appear self-possessed, confident and know what it is they want and how to go about it. Sometimes I do feel like that, but I wish it was permanent. I’m not quite sure how to reconcile my upbringing to my current reality, maybe there is no need for such things. I know its going to take a lot of work to truly be free and to trust. I deride myself for being a ‘prude’ and a ‘freak’ in equal measures, but neither of these labels apply. I’m just me. And its time to embrace that.